titleless

our Lord can speak to us in so many different ways.

recently for me it was at Hallmark. 

looking for a husbend card, there was this one that just hit me.

i can totally remember standing there, not aware of time or those around me. 

just staring at the words. 

fighting tears.

i kept coming back to it.

it was the last part. 

it talked about getting married and merging together your and his stuff.

then the part that hit me.

that it's no longer 'my' way or 'your' way; that we are learning OUR way.

:sigh:

a year and a half of 'my' way.

i am now purposing to learn OUR way.

*i did indeed buy the card after the 3rd time i went to 'visit' it. i gave it to the husbend on christmas, with a note inside sharing how sorry i was that i just now got this and my desire to learn OUR way from here on out.

titleless

so.... as i laid down to nap, i was talking to our Lord and i said that perhaps i am finally coming in line with your will in us not having kiddos yet/right now (read: not yet with child). that you have shown me so much in regards to being a wife and there are such paraells to being a wife and a mother and i really need to get a grip on the wife thing. 

and it would seem that you are giving me that time to do that.

i know i will never be 'ready' for children. i am most overwhelmed by the responsbility of motherhood/parenthood. sometimes i wonder if maybe we will never have kiddos. and if that's your will, i think i trust it [although i wonder if i'm coming from faulty thinking on that one]. thing is, until i die i can have a kid so...it's always a possiblity espeically with you being the giver of life.. therefore i will never really know if we are to never have kids. and i think that shows your wisdom... in ways i don't even fully know or can express. to keep on now, in this moment, this season with what i do have. to not waste the wait. to not wish away this season. to not see this season as being in limbo or a 'wait'. 

i wanted to be married for so long. you gave me the desire of my heart. and here i am already 'on to the next thing' ???

i am aware yet again of our enemy's tactic, to get us to look at the 'one thing' we do not have and then to focus on and bemoan the lack of said thing.

ENOUGH! 

this stops now.

:(

i'm so critical.
i purposed my whole life to NEVER be this way.
that i would never be 'that' wife.

my heart is breaking with failure.

 i feel out of control.

so very saddened by this realization.

preconceived notions

for years i've watched others (what seemed like 'everyone else') get engaged/married/pregnant.

 watched their facial expressions, tones, gestures. 

 there was this tangible thing there. 

i always wondered what it was like, to get engaged, 
to be up at that altar,

 or in the get away car after leaving the reception.

 the first night together. 

 the first social outings where your the new bride and it's all exciting and new.

well, i was recently the new bride at a social gathering of old friends and i had a moment of, 

'wow.'  'that's never going to be me.'  

 i didn't anticipate these growing pains(?) adjustment struggles(?)  
and i think i feel a (lot) bit  of a sense of failure that i'm not that 'ideal' (blissful, ecstatic, confident, seamlessly fitting into the new role of 'wife') 
new bride.

 i'm the bride that now looks at others and wonders if they too are struggling like me.

 If, perhaps, i'm not alone in feeling like this.

i'm happy for those brides i have admired afar for years.
 that's just not me. 
at least not yet..

then (one) & now (two)

so in my recently former singleton days. myself and a fellow singleton girlfriend of mine would often lament about how sick and tired we were of having to do this all on our own. it's so much pressure and work. to be solely dependent on yourself for all income, housing and all bill paying. i can remember working 7 days a week and i eventually did crash under the weight of it all. the thought of-for the foreseeable future- having to be completely dependent on myself for everything, would cut me off at the knees. literally took my breath away.

about a month ago i texted my (no longer 'fellow') singleton friend and referenced thee above subject matter and then preceeded to share with her what had just dawned on me;

 getting married hasn't allevited that pressure!

i find that now i am responsible for TWO people! my bad days don't just effect me anymore. in fact i can't really afford or get away with bad-sulky-shut the world out- days. money/bills/jobs now afffect TWO people. there is a responsibility i feel towards my new husband. and lately i have been stumbling under the weight of this responsibility!

a lot of adjusting taking place.

i already had all i needed in and through Christ. 

before marriage.

married

all i have ever wanted is to be married. now i am and have found that i do not know what to do with it.